rended ventricles/rip my heart in twain

rended ventricles/rip my heart in twain

as one loves certain dark things

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(no subject)	[Jan. 20th, 2007\|05:55 pm]
Ohmygod. I have to go watch Toy Story again as soon as possible. The end of that editorial reminded me of more personal stuff than secular humanist theory, but either way.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Dec. 11th, 2006\|07:26 am]
Anthony spent my whole shower and a little after going over possible ways to get drunk and yell at people.
Link	look in her eyes

this is mostly for my benefit.	[Nov. 27th, 2006\|07:34 am]
Taken from reelmoviecritic.com and put here so I always have it. ( get me away from here, i'm dying )
Link	look in her eyes

the girlfriend that i had in february of last year (acousticized)	[Nov. 24th, 2006\|02:55 am]
I'm tempted to remind him that sometimes girls don't return his calls for a reason. But then I remember that I'm a stereotype car-crash and madly infatuated with Ana Matronic, ergo have no ground to stand on in my moralizing.
Link	look in her eyes

the things i find while reading House articles on wikipedia...	[Nov. 23rd, 2006\|01:43 pm]
Sherlock Holmes: You're sitting in a room with an all-southern view. Suddenly, a bear walks by the window. What colour is the bear? John Watson: Red! The bear is red! Sherlock Holmes: Why on Earth would the bear be red? John Watson: The southern sun is very hot. The bear would be terribly burnt! Sherlock Holmes: [laughs] That is the most absurd answer I've ever heard.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Nov. 12th, 2006\|01:14 pm]
Yeah. Well, fuck you too, dad. No one is this house is happy, so either fix it or shut up. If you cared about me, you'd kill me.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Nov. 12th, 2006\|09:58 am]
You think I'd learn my lesson about mixing my anti-depressants with Dr. Pepper... ...But no. It's too productive to give it up. This should worry me a little bit, but I'm more disturbed by how I know people like the Weird Al character in "White and Nerdy." I know people like that. They go to U of M. ...And the fact that I know them worries me more than my refusal to quit mixing Dr. Pepper and Wellbutrin. Besides, there's something to it. Like 10,044 words.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Nov. 10th, 2006\|10:05 am]
God, I love you, but you trouble me. (This not being you you, but a sort of you where even I don't know whom I'm addressing, save that it is neither you nor "Stanley.")
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Nov. 9th, 2006\|10:29 pm]
And just when I think that even the Wellbutrin might be a miss and I'll just never be happy, Colin Meloy sings a song about his son and reminds me that there is, in fact, beauty in existence. ...Except for that part wherein I still have such a swooning, schoolgirl crush on him and his talent and his charisma. That's still shady. he'sababydaddywho'stwicemyage. butisitmuchbetterthanagaymanwhoisalsotwicemyage? fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 29th, 2006\|10:51 am]
Every person in therapy has a love disorder: never felt love, can't find love, trapped by love, unraveled by love, thinks love is lust or love is loss, fears love, loves too much, uses love for profit, jealous in love, lost in love, love affairs, unrequited love, love sick, doesn't love Mom, won't love Dad, can't love the kids, can't love the self, hopeless love, self-absorbed love, love as a crutch, loves as a truncheon, love in ruins, crazy love, love that eats the heart, careless love, drowning in love, love that dares not speak its name, blind love, consuming love, obsessive love, conditional love, dangerous love, first love, last love, fickle love, love and marriage, love lost, secret love, love on the run, love that hates, dutiful love, borrowed love, thief of love, love in embers, love in vain, love in shackles, love maligned, love that warps the mind a little. - John Dufresne
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 29th, 2006\|09:59 am]
THREE DAYS. ZOMFG.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 29th, 2006\|01:32 am]
"Vision is art worth fighting for. Why waste your life making someone else's movies?" ~ A very fictionalized, but very true, Orson Welles. 1: Mr. Reynolds, we are gonna finish this picture just the way I want it because you can't compromise an artist's vision! 2: But it's our money. 1: And you're gonna make a bundle, but only if you shut up and let me do things my way! ~ A very fictionalized, but also very true, Ed Wood and Old Rich White Man. This movie makes me remember why I keep doing this.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)

[Oct. 25th, 2006|10:26 pm]

[

soundtrack

violinist across the hall

]

Fucking kill me.

Just do it now and get it over with.

I hate these people, I hate this cramped hotel room, I hate feeling trapped and cramped and claustrophobic in a city where I'm supposed to be happy and feel at home, I hate having to go to this stupid Barnard thing when I have no fucking interest in the school (all girls?! EXSQUEEZE me?! Part of their mission statement basically amounts to "we sit around in classrooms and bitch about Men and Why They Suck and Evil Evil Sexism")...

I hate "The War at Home" and how it's just like every other stupid family sitcom, and how it's making it hard to hear the violinist across the hall.

I hate everything.

And, frankly, I hate it more that she thinks it fixes everything to throw up Rufus at the London Palladium.

I'm a spoiled brat; I have no right to be depressed and sulk.

And then I look at her snoring form and want one of us to die as soon as possible.

Link

look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 24th, 2006\|10:30 am]
*What Troy Does After* School** • Becomes, after a bit of deliberation about which field of research science, a Bio-Chem/Psychology double major at Harvard. Is miserable. • Does graduate research at MIT in the happy, fun effects of everyday addictive substances on everyday teenagers. Is miserable. • Loses his virginity at 22, in his last year at Harvard, to a freshman girl he’s tutoring in Chem. Is miserable and feels a bit like a rapist. • Dates girl – Mary, 19 – through his grad work at MIT and, when she’s not around, is consistently baffled at what she sees in him and “why she’s keeping him around.” Mary thinks that he’s too damn cute, and lovably intelligent to boot. Troy is still miserable. • Splits up with Mary when he moves to Evanston, Illinois to start up more grad work at Northwestern. Offers to keep in touch, but she asks that it be minimal. Is incredibly miserable. • Simultaneously starts up his second and third Master’s theses at Northwestern. By this point, he’s 24; Dom and Ben are both 28 and get married in a civil service in Michigan, which they pull Troy away from his work for. Pete, 26, passed the bar and was taken on by a top-notch Michigan law firm; he romances a sweet young lady. Troy is unspeakably miserable, with no idea why. • Finally, about halfway through his research, snaps completely. Throws himself headlong into the research – ignoring things like eating, sleeping, shaving and other forms of self-maintenance, and taking care of his apartment; at the heart of it, he carves out an existence on coffee and denial. Is unspeakably miserable. • Comes home for Christmas really looking the part of the haggard research scientist – moreso than actual research scientists – and, in a miraculous show of familial stupidity, this only gets raised eyebrows from Ben. Troy is still unspeakably miserable and refuses to talk about it. • Mary comes up to Chicago for New Year’s; naturally, she is Incredibly Concerned (hard not to be, unless you’re a member of Troy’s genius family: he’s thin and drawn, he hasn’t slept in a good long while, he’s twitchy and zones out a lot, everything makes him sick, and, just making matters worse, he will neither eat nor talk about anything). Troy makes it through the New Year’s festivities, barely, and has Mary take him to an institution in the morning. He’s miserable, but forced to talk to someone about it! Yay! So... not done yet, but I like it. To forensics!
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 24th, 2006\|12:15 am]
I always feel guilty when you're online and I don't say anything. But, then, I think that, if anyone actually wanted to talk to me, they'd initiate conversation. "Anyone" includes you. And then I don't know what to say. And I feel like a total island unto myself. And I promptly go down the route of "I don't deserve to mope and angst and whine. I don't know what real suffering is. It could be worse so I have no right to complain." And Devon doesn't help. She needs to keep her fucking nose out of things that don't fucking concern her. It's ridiculous, especially when she pretends to give a shit. "I don't want to see you depressed and angry"? Yeah fucking right. Since when does she give a damn? Oh yeah, that's right, she doesn't. She gives a damn about her own shtick, then gets pissed at me for doing the same thing. I Love You.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 17th, 2006\|12:53 am]
You know, wily asian... there are times when I almost feel like I matter. And then people like you remind me that I'm mostly a politeness thing. Thanks for that. Really, seriously. I'm almost tempted to "forget" to call you in the morning, but I love you too much to make you forget to get your meds and miss work.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 13th, 2006\|07:22 pm]
I shouldn't be allowed to read Rufus interviews with South Park on. Or just at all, really. Interview: Zomg, look at all the ways Rufus could've killed himself but didn't!!! Kassie: ...That does not sound like a bad plan. Kassie's Better Sense: This should be worrisome. Come on... you know better and you don't really want this. Kassie: ...But it sounds really, really pretty. And maybe it'd make me happy... Kassie's Better Sense: NO. It WOULDN'T. Kassie: You never know... The upside is that he really, really makes me want to believe in love. While Leonard Cohen albums need to come with razorblades and "Dress Rehearsal Rag" makes me think alternatively of the beauteous opening montage of a short film I could do with that song and how my veins look like rivers. Meanwhile, the family goes insane. IT'S INSANE. Okay. It's really not. It's... something. It's entropic. ...Either way.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 13th, 2006\|07:04 am]
Here's the unofficial, will probably change on the drive to school plan. I need to get hot chocolate from homeroom and read the clumping patterns that always happen when I make hot chocolate. In them, I should see something pointing me in the direction of Ginsberg, Lennon, or Uncle Butch and, either way, all three are going to be semi-internalized in the hopes of making me somewhat sane. Also, Mysterious Skin might be in at Borders today. If it's not, I get it free.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 11th, 2006\|09:56 pm]
Talked to therapist. Talked to therapist's receptionist. Talked to Mary Kay. Talked to Chelsea. Was grateful for all but one. It doesn't live in Livonia, it isn't a teacher, and it occasionally proves me wrong. I think that someone wrote something for me, but it's better not to ask. It was personal, so I'll not. Writing a poem for Leslie, then going to bed. I hate this woman so much. SO. MUCH. Everything's my fault, isn't it? Or else, she can't go any meaningful period without belittling me. Leslie's mom is based on her, albeit in a more pitiable light.
Link	look in her eyes

(no subject)	[Oct. 9th, 2006\|07:45 pm]
Is there really no way to reach me? Am I already gone? So this is your maverick And this is Vienna And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and its effortless Without a sound we lose sight of the ground In the throw around Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Long story short: I want someone to give a damn without feeling like s/he has to. Drama queen, I know. And I haven't called my therapist yet. Someone please hit me. Tomorrow, I swear.
Link	look in her eyes

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